i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
