Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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