At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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