tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
