if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
