remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
