if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
