so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
