Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
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