so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
