The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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