I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
