Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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