We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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