I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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