its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
