Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
