he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
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I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
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A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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