I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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