Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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