so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
found the other keg... it's in the tree
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
