the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
