Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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