no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
