apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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