ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
