and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He? As in you personified your dick?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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