from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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