Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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