Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
