She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Bring me that man meat
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
