I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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