Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I am mentally ready for anal.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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