i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
