One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
smell my finger.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
