I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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