I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
