just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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