get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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