how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
