Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
