Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
