Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
