just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
