my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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