Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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