those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
