I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
