Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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