no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
