I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
