Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
