I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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