yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
