my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
