I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
