Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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