Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
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