....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
